Couples counseling… or as I like to refer to it, “Manifesting Peace In The Middle East”.
What is couples counseling, if not a tiny microcosm of the peace process between warring nations? The basic ingredients of conflict and violence (both large and small) are the same:
- Fear
- Anger
- Hurt
- Miscommunication
- Assumptions
- Pain driven behavior
- Retaliation
(Please notice that love & compassion are not on the list.)
Helpful tips and useful information for men, women and children who are trying to negotiate peace for themselves and others:
- Emotions and physical sensations are like lights on a dashboard. Feelings of anger and fear are biological responses to perceived threat. Our nervous systems don’t know or care about the difference between a movie, a car accident or person yelling at us. Our bodies simply react and orient to possible danger.
- Feelings = happy, mad, sad, angry, etc… Physical sensations = hot, cold, tense, relaxed, etc… Learn to read the lights on the dashboard. There is a wealth of information waiting for you.
- Learn how to listen to people. Listening is more than just nodding your head and smiling. Listening requires clarification and acknowledgement that the message has been received clearly.
Listening and agreeing are not the same thing.
Practice listening, even when you disagree with the message. In fact, practice listeningespecially when you disagree.
GETTING STARTED: When you’ve spent your whole life taking responsibility for how others feel, it’s hard not to take things personally. One way to begin your listening practice is to pretend that you are a news reporter trying to get the details of an important story. Even if the person who’s speaking is angry at you, sad or anxious, pretend that their story is not about you. Get every detail and reflect back what you hear.
Example: ”What I hear you saying is, when I’m late and don’t call, you feel anxious. Did I hear you correctly?” REMEMBER – Acknowledging the other person’s feelings is not an admission of guilt. It is an act of compassion.
- Considering couples counseling? Before you invest any of your precious time or resources on changing the course of your life, ask yourself, “If treatment works, how will I know? How will my life be different?” Setting intentions for your individual or couples counseling will empower you to participate in your own treatment.
- Learn about compassion. It is often confused with pity. They are not the same. Compassion allows you to feel empathy and love for those in pain. If you are capable of compassion, then you can be with people who have problems that you cannot fix. Compassion is a language and a behavior. Amazing things happen when you allow and support others to fix their own problems. It’s a game changer.
Good luck and be well!