tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20012363911124188462007-12-04T18:24:26.380-08:00Carla NaragonBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2001236391112418846.post-13752649519282238452007-12-04T15:28:00.000-08:002007-12-04T18:24:26.414-08:00You are the boss of you. This means that you have the power to choose how you spend your time this holiday season.<br /><br />STEP#1 You will need: Paper and pen/journal (yes, you can type it on your computer). Take some time to imagine how you would like to spend this holiday season. For instance, do you envision yourself with your spouse and children sharing intimate family time? Would you prefer to be with extended family? Mabey you would enjoy hanging out with some close friends. Now, close your eyes and imagine exactly how you want it to be.<br /><br />STEP#2 If you haven’t already… imagine the obstacles. <br />Most common obstacle: THE FAMILY<br /><br />Perhaps…<br /><br />•Your family (the one you grew up in) has specific traditions that happen at THEIR HOUSE.<br /><br />•Your spouse’s family has specific traditions that happen at HIS/HER PARENT’S HOUSE<br /><br />•You feel powerless to change what appears to be “the unchangeable”<br /><br />•You shudder at the thought of telling your parents you won’t be home for Christmas.<br /><br />• Fill in the blank<br /><br />GOOD AND VALID REASONS TO CHANGE<br /><br />•You dread the upcoming holidays.<br /><br />•Your head starts to hurt at the thought of being surrounded by the people you love but can’t stand to be around.<br /><br />•You are agitated, your children react to your bad mood and become little monsters which annoys your spouse who is becoming increasingly short-tempered and so on and so on…<br /><br />•Your body is getting older and your doctor say’s that you should try and avoid stressful situations.<br /><br />•Life is too short to live this way.<br /><br />•Fill in the blank.<br /><br /><br />TOOLS FOR CHANGE<br /><br />•Start with a clear intention. For instance: “This year I am spending Christmas in my comfortable home, with people who make me feel safe, happy and loved.”<br /><br />•Use healthy communication to inform the masses. The easiest way to do this is with “I”-messages. An "I"-message is a great way to get your thoughts across without blaming anyone. Like " I feel anxious when..." v.s. "You are a nightmare to be around" Here's a sample:<br /><br />ANN: Mom, this year Bob and I are planning to spend our Christmas holiday at home with our children.<br /><br />MOM: What about the rest of the family? We want to see out grandchildren. Why are you doing this to us?<br /><br />ANN: Mom, this has nothing to do with you. I’m tired and stressed out. Bob and I are giving our family a little break by allowing the kids and ourselves to relax at home this year. <br /><br />MOM: You are ruining Christmas for everyone. I can’t believe I raised such a selfish child.<br /><br />ANN: Mom I hear that you are angry. However, I won’t take responsibility for your happiness this Christmas. We would like to see you and the family, however we feel it is best for our family to avoid the anxiety and stress of packing everyone up and rushing out the door. <br /><br />Rules Of Engagement:<br /><br />(1) Don’t take the bait. “You are ruining Christmas for everyone. I can’t believe I raised such a selfish child.” This is an invitation to do battle. Fighting begets more fighting which begets pain and suffering for all involved. Tip- Side step the attack with an empathetic statement that reads between the lines: “Mom I hear that you are angry.”<br /><br />(2) Stay focused on your goal. In a kind and loving way, redirect the conversation back to your main point. “Bob and I are giving our family a little break by allowing the kids and ourselves to relax at home this year. * It might be helpful to write it down on a piece of paper before you make the phone call. Use it as a reference and homing beacon to guide you back to your self when your emotions start to rattle you.<br /><br />(3) Don’t expect your parent’s and in-laws to be thrilled with your decision. It would be nice, but it’s highly unlikely. A part of being a grown up is tolerating the discomfort of having former authority figures be displeased with you. <br /><br />Recap<br />• Be clear with your intentions. Have some kind of visual reminder of your goal, like a written statement to yourself or a picture of your family at home and relaxed.<br /><br />• Use clear and loving communication. Stick with “I”-messages. Refuse all invitations to fight.<br /><br />• Don’t expect your former authority figures to be delighted with your empowered decision to stay home this Christmas. Learn to tolerate their disappointment in a loving way.<br /><br />Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!Carla Naragontag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2001236391112418846.post-17016324210381518192007-10-25T13:27:00.000-07:002007-10-25T13:29:27.912-07:00Following these simple guidelines can help to reduce the long-term impact of this frightening experience.<br /><br />1. “ACTING OUT” BEHAVIOR<br />• Unlike most adults, children do not have the fully developed social and verbal skills required to understand and express their feelings in a calm and rational manner. Instead they are likely to unconsciously act out their emotions. While this may be uncomfortable (and inconvenient) for many parents, do not be too quick to shut down the inappropriate behavior. Their behavior is much like a light on a dashboard alerting you to a problem needing attention. Becoming curious about your child’s behavior can give you valuable information about how they are dealing with the world around them.<br />2. SHOULD I LET MY CHILDREN WATCH THE NEWS?<br />• There is no need for your children to be exposed to more horror than is necessary. This can be said for the entire family. Sitting in front of the television for hours on end leaves your family vulnerable to intense feelings of helplessness, depression and anxiety. Watching the news can keep you informed and alert to danger. However, over dosing on graphic images of pain and suffering can immobilize you and your family by engulfing you in a state of fear. <br />3. HOW TO TALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT THE FIRES. <br />• Let them take the lead. Answer their questions simply and honestly. <br />• Do not give them more information then what they are asking for.<br />• As uncomfortable as it is, let them talk about their fear and anxiety. While it is important to let your children know they are safe and that you will protect them, it is equally important that they feel free to share their feelings with you.Carla Naragon